Having seemingly only been minutes since Boris famously pulled out of the leadership election, “that person cannot be me” he had announced with such zeal and relief, we see that he has reappeared, and in quite a serious capacity at that – Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs. So how did this extraordinary (and quite frankly, unbelievable) job offer play out in Number 10?
Int. An Office in Number 10. Theresa May (TM) is sifting through her sheets, having just met and appointed Phillip Hammond as Chancellor. Boris Johnson (BJ) awaits in a corridor.
Advisor 1: So are you sure you want to do this?
TM: Yes, absolutely.
Advisor 2: Theresa, it will get excessive coverage on all national press.
Advisor 1: And even international media to be fair.
TM: I am aware. But it’s the decision I have decided to take.
Advisor 1: If you’re sure.
TM: Send him in.
ENTER Boris Johnson (BJ). He’s all smiles and his hair is flapping about.
Advisor 1: Thank you for coming down. Can I get you some coffee.
BJ: Oh I’ll be f-fine thanks. Theresa, how are you?
TM: I’m alright, still settling in. Please take a seat.
BJ: Quite. You don’t have a deputy PM at the moment, right?
TM: Boris, I’ll do the talking.
BJ: Uh yes.
TM: Now we feel your skills would greatly help the direction of this government.
BJ: That’s terribly kind.
TM: As a leading and prominent figure in the Leave side, you have shown diligence, dedication and passion. You handle the media exceptionally and your tenure as London Mayor strengthens the case for having you on board.
Advisor 1: You’ve also got a highly commendable fan base!
Advisor 2: Rare in politics.
TM: Oh absolutely. Boris we have decided to take you on as foreign secretary.
BJ: Oh that’s awfully kin- wait what?
TM: You will be an invaluable asset to this Government and will of course have a pivotal role in representing the United Kingdom abroad.
BJ: Theresa wait.
TM: Your presence will be substantial such as in meagre trade deals with for example the Bahamas that may have previously missed the news agenda.
Advisor 1: It will certainly dominate the airwaves now.
BJ: That’s all well and good but you can’t be serious.
TM: What do you mean?
BJ: I mean definitely, I’m I’m I’m ph-phenomenally grateful, as ever, but I was thinking more along the lines of transport, having worked with TFL frequently or business, maybe communities.
TM: Boris stop rambling.
BJ: Maybe even climate change.
BJ: Culture may be well suited, I do maintain a close following in many such-
Advisor 2: Mr Johnson. The Prime Minister is trying to speak.
BJ: Oh heavily sorry Theresa do go on.
TM: Are we all good?
BJ: I mean I’m a I’m currently considering whether my skill set would be best suited to such a serious and ferocious role.
TM: Nonsense you’ll do a sterling job.
BJ: When do you need an answer by?
TM: (laughs) Well, now preferably.
Advisor 1: It would be good to get this appointment out tonight as there’ll be many more coming up tomorrow.
BJ: Hmmm. Well look, I’m absolutely delighted, you know I am, but um I, well I just don’t feel I’m best suited. Respectfully I’m gonna have to decline such a wonderful and-
TM: Boris that’s absolutely fine.
BJ: Oh thank you. Maybe a different role some time in future.
TM: The only thing I would point out.
BJ: (uneasy) Yes?
TM: Well this declination will be made aware to the public.
BJ: Say what now? I thought this was all confidential.
TM: Well yes. In theory.
Advisor 1: Mr Johnson you know very well the length our media will go down to unravel stories such as a high profile declination.
BJ: What exactly are you saying?
TM: Oh I’m not saying anything. I’m merely implying the obvious. Leading Brexiteer, responsible for taking the country out, fails to run as leader and now washes his hands of any duty to aid the country in its time of need. That’ll go down well.
BJ: I’m not letting anyone down.
TM: Ok Boris.
BJ: I would be fine to take on others like I said.
TM: (sarcastic) Yes because Crossrail 2 is pivotal to our EU renegotiation.
BJ: Oh good grief.
TM: Marvellous. You start tomorrow.